Steven Wright-isms

Steven Wright-isms:

My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out.
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
I woke up this morning and walked into my living room, only to discover that someone had stolen all my stuff and replaced it with exact replicas.
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
I had my coathangers spayed.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I bought a cordless phone the other day. Now I can't find my phone.
My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, forget it."
I went for a walk last night, and she asked me "How long are you going to be gone?" I said, "The whole time."
The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks -- I'm not going that far."
I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lived next door complained. So I shot him with a gun with a silencer.
I'm a peripheral visionary.
A lot of people voted for change, and that's all they have now.
If Smokey the Bear died, would you cremate him?
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you have any toy train schedules?"
Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I took a baby shower.
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how she did it, but she got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper.
Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false teeth. with braces on them.
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
"You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to

I like to skate on the other side of the ice ... I like to reminisce with people I don't know ... I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit ... And when I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses. [no, I don't "get" this one either, but it's so puzzling a statement, it's funny]
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...
I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.
I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes...
Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic, I mimic my shadow.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means it's going to be up all night.
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?